Fandom: YouTube
Pairing: Phan (AmazingPhil/Danisnotonfire)
Point of View: Phil


I hate Daniel Howell. I hate him; I really, really hate him.

Okay, no. I love him. A lot. He is my boyfriend, after all.

I suppose what I mean to say is that I love him but he does have a tendency to screw me over sometimes, hence leading me to be angry with him right now and stating that I ‘hate’ him. The last time he screwed me over it was nothing major, he just used his ‘powers of persuasion’ (see: seduction) to charm me into be the designated driver on a night out with the boys. The time before that wasn’t so bad either, he just used his beautiful brown irises to swallow me whole until I agreed to take him to see some stupid movie that I had no interest in whatsoever and could have easily slept through if it wasn’t for Dan squeezing my hand.

Those two times, as with the times before them, were fine; they were all minor offences. This, however, is not.

So what has he done this time?

Well, it all started exactly a week ago when he got a letter from some rich long-lost cousin or something, inviting him and a date to attend a ball. A proper, Cinderella-style ball with dresses and tails and classical music. Dan was desperate to go. I, however, was the polar opposite. Of course he got his way in the end, cute little bugger always does, and so here I am.

Here I am, dressed like a flipping butler from a Charles Dickens book and with a piece of paper in my hand; Dan gave it to me before running off to speak to some old family friend or another.

How to Survive Here:
1. Talk about servants, even if you have none
2. Act like you know everyone in the room intimately; starting rumours is a must
3. Use long words that nobody will understand, i.e. comprehensive or Raxacoricofallapatorius

You’ve got this xx


******

1. Talk About Servants, Even if You Have None


There’s this girl who has been looking at me all evening, like a hawk with her eye on a dying mouse. She’s quite pretty I suppose, but nothing on my Dan. Her ebony hair is tied up in a tight bun, her lips are painted red, as though she’s just drunk somebody’s blood in a rather messy way; actually, she really does look like a stereotypical vampire.

The current song, one I’ve never heard before and never hope to again, cuts off and she’s running across the vast ballroom. Not running like normal people, but with a stride in her step; as though she wishes everyone to know that she is hurrying for her own reason and nobody else’s.

“Good evening, Sir.” Vampire Girl smiles when she gets to me, bobbing down in a slight curtsey that prompts me to dip into a semi-bow; just like Dan taught me. “My name is Mina, daughter of Earl Frinton-Smythe.” She grabs my hand and shakes it, the bands of her many rings digging into my skin from tightness of her grasp. “Might I know yours?”

“Urm, I’m Phil.”

She blinks at me, a wicked smirk crackling onto her face as she cocks an eyebrow. I feel like I’m being scrutinised, bullied even, and I want nothing more than for my Danosaur to be here, holding my hand and telling Vampire Girl to leave me alone because I am his. But no, her green eyes crackle like lightening, telling me that she has no intention of letting me go just yet.

I self-consciously dig my hands into my pockets, desperately looking anywhere other than Vampire Girl’s face. My fingers brush against something in my left pocket, something rigid, thin and in the shape of a square; it’s the note Dan gave me! Now I just have to remember what it says and I’ll be fine, I know I will.

Because Dan believes in me.

Right, talk about servants.

“I am Phil Lester, son of the owner of the Lester Plumbing Co based in Lancashire. Pleased to meet you, Mina.” I try my best to smile in an effort to make friends but I know I just look awkward and out of place; I always do when Dan isn’t by my side. “You remind me of my maid, you have the same, err… eyes.”

She lets out a muted laugh, pressing a hand to her mouth as though showing any kind of emotion is an unthinkable and uncouth act of vulgarity. Kind of like she is a doll who must only do what her master wants. Well, she certainly looks like a doll, one of those Disney Princess ones wearing those ridiculously over the top gowns of the purest blue silk.

“Oh? Well it’s nice to know that someone so prestigious has been looking at my eyes enough to know that they bare resemblance to something that surely must be precious.” Her tone is snarky and it makes withdraw into myself slightly, once again wishing for my Danny to be with me. “Tell me, what might the name of your maid be?”

Crap! I can’t think on the spot, I really can’t; she’ll find out I’m lying and then she’ll go tell all of her well-to-do friends and then Dan will hate me for ruining his reputation and-

“Ah, Mina, it’s been quite a while, hasn’t it? Although some would say not long enough.”

There’s a warm hand in my own, fitting into it like a lost puzzle piece and completing my being, filling me with confidence and making me look to the owner of the hand; Dan, my boyfriend Dan. He looks gorgeous tonight, his suit perfectly fitting and making him look like a proper gentleman. The suit may look nice, but I can’t deny that I look forward to helping him out of the constricting fabric later on.

Shaking that thought from my mind and knocking myself back into the unpleasant present, I fixate my eyes on his winning smile; soft and understated, but stunning all the same. Just like him, quiet and shy but ultimately the most beautiful thing on this planet. To me, anyway. Only to me; I am his boyfriend, he is mine and mine alone.

“Master Howell, how lovely it is to see your face again.” Her smile is genuine this time but the deep tones of her voice make me feel physically sick. “You know Phil of Lancaster then?”

Dan tightens his grip on my hand, pulling me closer and giving Mina such a look that it makes me feel like I’m his most precious person. I hope I am. After all, he is mine.

“Of course I know my own boyfriend!” Mina takes a moment to look horrified, earning her one of my rare glares, before she nods and paints her smile back onto her face. “Were you telling her about that awful maid of ours? The one with those horrible eyes?” I nod, smirking to myself at how mortified Vampire Girl looks. Good. “Awful slut, too. Didn’t get a wink of sleep last night; her, the butler and the gardener were hardly quiet about it.”

I giggle and Dan’s eyes light up as he nuzzles into my cheek, tainting them red in the process. This is why I love him so much; he always knows what to say, how to say it and when it needs to be said. I’d do the same for him though, in a heartbeat. Of course I would.

I hear a loud crunch and look down to see that Mina’s busy stamping her foot like a brat throwing a temper tantrum. I guess that’s all she is really, an overgrown brat in with more money that sense. It’s astonishing, really, how the ‘finer’ people in life seem to be the most self-centred and arrogant of them all whilst those with ‘nothing’ appear to be the most gracious.

“Now, milady, if you’ll excuse us.” Dan all but purrs as he pulls me away, biting down on his lower lip in order to contain his guffaws until we’re a safe distance from Vampire Girl. Once we are he all but howls, yet he never once lets go of my hand.

“That was great, Dan!” I beam, feeling so much more at ease in my surroundings now that he’s with me, just like I knew I would do. “But, um, how do you know her?”

“Friend of the family, she used to have this stupid crush on me. We went out a few times when we were younger.” I feel jealousy burning within me, all but making me shake at the thought of Dan belonging to anyone else, let alone that stupid bitch. I feel a light kiss on my nose, making blink through my lapse of envy and blush like a schoolgirl; that’s just what my Danosaur does to me. “Aw, you’re so cute when you’re jealous, Philly.”

“Oh! Daniel, darling, come and give your old aunt a kiss!”

Dan’s face drains of all colour at the loud yelp from the head of the room, and before I know it he has run off, telling me to ‘stay out of trouble’ as he goes, or words to that affect. I would feel scared, but I’ve got Dan’s note in my pocket.

I can do this.


******

2. Act Like You Know Everyone in the Room Intimately; Starting Rumours is a Must



“Heya! I’m Finley, wanna be friends?”

I’m almost knocked off of my feet by the force of the hug that some strange boy, Finley, forces me into. It’s not like my Dan’s hugs; this is insistent, hungry, almost desperate.

When the lithe boy releases me from his surprisingly strong death-grip I can get a good look at him; he’s short and youthful, a fair few years younger than Dan (around sixteen maybe?), with a flop of ginger hair set ablaze by the shine of his wide, teal eyes. He’s cloaked in a tweed suit that is miles too big for him and his overly-long fringe is being held back with some red hairclips. With tiny little butterflies on them.

In short, he looks completely adorable and about as out of place here as I am.

“Um, hello, sure. I’m Phil.”

“Oh, I know your name! Mina told me to stay away from you.” He does this cute little pout thing and I can’t help but smile at the little guy. “She’s my big sister. She never lets me do what I want. Like when I wanted to go to Prom with Lucas. She said it was bad and that I have to go with some stupid pretty girl even though I don’t want pretty girls.” He stops to catch his breath, smile slipping momentarily as he looks down, away from my eyes. “Sorry. I’m always going off on tangents. Mina says I shouldn’t.”

My words get caught in my throat; how can two siblings be so different? Scrap that; how can one person go from being hyper, to defiant, to angst-ridden and then submissive in the space of about one and half minutes?

He really did look upset about that ‘Lucas’ boy though, his million-watt smile dimming to nothing more than candle light as he spoke about it. In fact, he sort of reminds me of Dan when he was that age, shy and nervous about going out with me. Perhaps that’s all Finley’s going through, getting his first boyfriend or something like that.

Feeling a touch of sympathetic empathy for the boy, I offer him a reassuring smile. It’s more than worth it when he positively beams back.

So cute. I want a pet one.

“You should go with Lucas anyway.” I chuckle when Finley looks positively scandalised by the idea. So naïve. “There’s nothing wrong with not wanting pretty girls; I certainly don’t want them.” When he quirks an eyebrow I just smile warmly and dare to ruffle his hair, making him firstly shrink away but then revel in the affectionate touch as though it is something he’s been starved of. “I’ve got a boyfriend. Daniel Howell, you might know him.”

“Oh yes! Mina used to chase after him all of the time!” He carries on smiling, regardless of the murderous look I shoot him. “I never knew that boys could have boyfriends. I asked Mina once and she said it was dirty and that I was bad for even thinking about it. She said I should want pretty girls and that if I didn’t she would make Mother punish me.”

I stare at him, the way his small body is trembling and betraying the smile on his lips; the way he’s trying to be perfect even though who he’s trying to be isn’t even him. A vile hatred flares up in my chest for Mina, even more so than when Dan told me that they used to have a thing together, and I have to fight an overwhelming urge to find her and beat the living daylights out of her for doing this to such a sweet, innocent boy.

Instead, I settle for pulling the almost-stranger into a tight hug, earning a startled but happy gasp from him.

“There’s nothing wrong with liking boys, I promise.” I whisper, feeling oddly sentimental as his spindly arms lock around my waist. “It’s natural and fine and beautiful.”

I quickly release him and start digging around in my pocket, pulling out a piece of paper first then a biro; two things I always carry with me along with my wallet and mobile. I scribble down my number and give it to Finley, who puts it in his jacket pocket as though it is the most important thing to ever have been given to him.

Funny, how a rich kid could need so much.

“And if your mum or anyone else gives you any trouble about it, or anything else, you call me, Finley. I’m your friend.”

His beam returns and it practically splits his face in half in the process; good, such a sweet boy deserves to smile like that. Besides, his smile is infectious and I can’t help but smile along with him, all of a sudden feeling extremely glad that Dan forced me to come to the is stupid ball, even if only for Finley’s sake.

As I place my pen back into my pocket, my fingers brush against Dan’s note, reminding me that I should be following his rules. The second on the list pops into my head and I grin to myself; perhaps I can make Finley laugh as well as smile.

My eyes search out the room, looking at dazzling ladies and handsome gentleman waltzing together or feasting on the heavenly buffet. And then I see it, a flash of red tails. To others I suppose it might just be some old man in a fancy red suit, but I know better; red tails are the customary outfit of esteemed foxhunters.

“You see the foxhunter over there, the man in red?” I point out the dash of crimson and Finley follows, nodding. “Well, he likes hounds. A little bit too much.”

And with that, Finley starts laughing as I have never heard anyone laugh before; it reminds me of a caged bird being set free.

I look around, searching for more opportunities, and spot Dan stood alone by a window on the far side of the ballroom, smiling as he looks at all of the dancers. He spots me and waves, signalling for me to join him.

“Well, it truly has been a pleasure. But my boyfriend beckons. Let me know how it goes with Lucas.”


******


3. Use Long Words that Nobody will Understand, i.e. Comprehensive or Raxacoricofallapatorius


“I see you met Finley then.” Dan says as I come to a stop next to him, a fond look crossing his features. “That kid never stops talking.”

“He’s cute, though.” I mumble, feeling the need to stick up for my new little friend. “Troubled too.”

Dan stops staring out of the window, turning to face me with a look of disbelieving concern. He looks out into the crowd of people, hunting out Finley, finding him to be dancing with Mina who is periodically (dare I say intentionally) treading on his feet with the sharp heels of her stiletto shoes.

“Care to share?”

“Not my troubles to tell.” I reply, revelling in the way that it makes Dan falter then look back to Finley with a scowl; now it’s his turn to be the jealous one. “Don’t worry, Danosaur, I’m not about to leave you for some cute piece of jailbait.”

“Hey! I never, well I, um. Ugh.” He giggles nervously, wringing his hands in front of him like a child being caught after playing drums with his mother’s pots and pans. “I can be cuter.”

Before I can respond, Dan catapults himself into my arms, snuggling in close and nuzzling at my neck, making me shiver as he starts purring in that adorable way that only Dan can. I spot Mina over his shoulder, yelling at her brother for not keeping in time to the music and tripping her up (good for him, I think), and another pang of jealously flares up, making me hold him tighter.

He is mine and I am his. And neither him, nor Finley, are hers.

“The festivities are almost over.” Dan sighs, trailing a finger over the buttons of my shirt, a devilish glint in his eyes that make me want to do extremely unmentionable things to him, right here and right now, in front of all of these people. Especially in front of Mina. “Want to go somewhere?”

I’m about to take the incentive and scoop him up, carry him out to my car where we can do what we please in relative privacy. But then I remember; the three rules that I have to stick to. Dan said so.

“Raxacoricofallapatorius.” I murmur, tone as sincere and steady as I can force it to be. “Because you take me out of this world.”

“God, you’re cheesy.”