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Here we go again.

Another scratch,
Another panic attack,
Just when I thought I was done.
Well, ain’t it fun,
To be a nervous wreck?

Only I’m a big kid now.
Seventeen.
Too old
To be the resident
Drama queen.
Nobody cares
When you’re not beautiful.

God, I sound emo.
And so maybe I am
(by definition, at least)
But I feel like a sham –
What am I to you?

Would you care
If I lived out my dark little fantasies?
Got swallowed by the dark seas,
Of my soul?

Would you care
If I went back to the blade
That you forbade
Me to seek solace in?

If you knew what went on in my head,
A million different ways
To make me dead,
Would you tell me to just
‘Not feel down’ anymore?

If I could stop feeling this way,
Believe me,
I would.
Stop thinking like this?
If only
I could.
Wow, haven't written something this depressing in ages.


Side note: By writing this, I am not trying to glorify or romanticise things like self-harm, depression, anxiety, etc. As someone who has been through all of the above, I know that it is not something to be romanticised and if you feel like the above poem, feel free to note me if you want a chat or whatever. I wrote this just because I felt like I had to get it out. 

Another side note: You are beautiful and don't let anyone tell you any different. :)
Add a Comment:
 
:iconlucarloroq:
lucarloroq Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2014
Oh, i need someone to talk to. :/ All your poems are great by the way. 
Would you kindly check my poetry too? Help this sad friend.
Reply
:iconsnowywolf13:
snowywolf13 Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
The rhythm in this is amazing. It made it even more powerful. <3
Reply
:iconcorporaterockwhore:
CorporateRockWhore Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you :)
Reply
:iconsnowywolf13:
snowywolf13 Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
You're welcome :)
Reply
:iconlovemondotrasho:
lovemondotrasho Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
It takes a lot of strength to write and post something like this for everyone to see, and I am truly taken aback at the magnitude of this poem.  

I completely relate to this at the moment, and I find myself telling certain people this all the time.  People can say anything they want, but there will always be a seed of doubt in everyone's mind. 

I'm just in awe at this poem and how your poetry always has the ability to render me speechless.  I also wholeheartedly agree with the side note.  

:') beautiful poem, and don't stop fighting!  I'm sure you're told this all the time, but one who gives so many people faith deserves to be reminded of why they're fighting. :love: :hug: 
Reply
:iconziddersroofurry:
ZiddersRoofurry Featured By Owner Jul 23, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Powerful. 
Reply
:iconbetterscarletmystery:
BetterScarletMystery Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh I know the feels well. D: Between the seizures and panic attacks, not fun...

also - great poem :)
Reply
:icondarketernalshadows:
DarkEternalShadows Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2014  Student General Artist
Whoa. That took the air out of my lungs. It feels like you wrote this for me. Like we sat in a room face to face talking and after hearing my life story, you wrote this. This is very beautiful.
Reply
:iconflameboy007:
Flameboy007 Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2014
Keep fighting Ellie. Keep. Fighting. You're strong. Remember that ok?

The last part made my eyes water. ❤️
Reply
:iconsuddendeathlyhymour:
SuddenDeathlyHymour Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I liked it, but for some reason I can imagine this as a screamo song. No idea why. O.o
Reply
:iconpseudonym-chan:
Pseudonym-chan Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
That last line made my heart drop.
Reply
:iconillusionistmiguel:
illusionistmiguel Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I'm glad I read this because it reminds me that I'm not alone. Stay strong young one!
Reply
:iconandysdrawings:
AndysDrawings Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
I literally sang this to the tune of Here we go again.. I kinda wanna be more than friends. 
It worked really well actually. Loved it.
Reply
:iconelectricviolet52:
ElectricViolet52 Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2014
CorporateRockWhore, you never fail to help me have faith. You, my friend, are amazing. AMAZING.
Reply
:iconflameboy007:
Flameboy007 Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2014
I concur :')
Reply
:iconelectricviolet52:
ElectricViolet52 Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2014
Glad you do :D (Big Grin)  
Reply
:iconflameboy007:
Flameboy007 Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2014
Hehee :)
Reply
:iconelectricviolet52:
ElectricViolet52 Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2014
:)
Reply
:icondudet19:
Dudet19 Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
you are beautiful too :)Hamtaro Mouse Emoji-03 (Squee) [V1] 
Reply
:iconxxquixonicaxx:
xXQuixonicaXx Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
wow Llama Emoji-15 (Sniff) [V1] 
Reply
:iconsketchie13:
Sketchie13 Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thanks for reminding me. I will need to show this to my friend as well. Thanks. Just thanks.
Reply
:iconskittlestheclown:
Skittlestheclown Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2014  Student Writer
I feel ya... 17 is a shitty age. i am only a couple months in and it is the hardest thing i have ever known of... Keep your head up! Im in in the same boat.
Reply
:iconalparsln:
alparsln Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2014
aah c'mon just grow a pair and stop whining
Reply
:iconakiharris:
AkiHarris Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
Yeah, says people like you until they've been through it. You have to be one of the most ignorant close-minded people living. I hate people like you because I swear to God if you went through the same shit as someone else I'm pretty sure you wouldn't man up and saying that you would man up about it, only proves the fact that you're ignorant and that you wont understand if you were in someone else's shoes.
Reply
:iconalparsln:
alparsln Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2014
Do you know what saddens me. You think that i have never been through "it" because i don't sympathise with a weak narcissus just wants attention. There are some really sick shit in this world. Probably what i consider as being through "it" and yours is entirely different. In your mind i should symphatise with the phrase No one cares When you’re not beautiful because that is the real meaning of being through "it", shouldn't i. As someone who lives in the age of self absorption maybe i should. Yes i really should because i don't think i can understand why stella cries for hours because jaden goes out with erica. That is some real shit isn't it. You enlightened me. I really should put myself in stella's shoes. I won't label you as close minded or ignorant because i don't know who you are or what you have been through. Only thing i know about you is that you disgust me.
Reply
:iconakiharris:
AkiHarris Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
So writing a poem makes her a narcissist right? Writing a poem about what millions of people every day go through that ends up leading them to suicide, makes her and them narcissist right? And those millions of people still don't get the help they need but that's makes me a disgusting person for pointing that out, right? You make it sound like what she wrote about is petty. That was the worst example I've ever heard: "Because I don't think I can understand why Stella cries for hours because Jaden goes out with Erica." -_- That's some stupid shit right there. It really is. Nothing of what she said is narcissist. I'm not asking for your pity on me because I have depression or because I don't think I'm beautiful, but what you said was one of the most assholish things I've ever heard. 

She made this poem to express to people who go through being considered ugly, or those who aren't pretty or popular but instead bullied, ridiculed, and outcasted by society. People who suffer from depression and people who want to give up on life because of what they've been through. It makes me mad when people like us are seen as trying to get attention, we just want people to understand, but many don't

Now I agree with you, WE do live in an age where self absorption is prominent and it exist, but that doesn't make a person who wants to tell people about what they've been through narcissist.
Reply
:iconalparsln:
alparsln Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2014
Yes just that does not. Giving up on life because of the reasons you stated and i quote "being considered ugly, or those who aren't pretty or popular but instead bullied, ridiculed, and outcasted by society" does. There are people who have been raped when they were child or had to steal food in order to survive and that shit is tough. There are people who had been through much worse than what i just said and they live on. If someone even thinks about giving up on their lives because of the reasons you stated they are weak. We humans are survivors. We suck it up and live on. Every painful experience makes us stronger than before. Man cannot remake himself without suffering for he is both the marble and the sculptor. 
Reply
:iconakiharris:
AkiHarris Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
None of that is being narcissist still. Narcissism is  having an excessive or erotic interest in oneself and one's physical appearance. Having depression HAS NOTHING  to do with any of that. In fact, thinking that you're not beautiful is the exact opposite of narcissism.

And yes, there are people who've been through much worse, but that doesn't mean that people who have been outcasted and bullied doesn't mean that they always just brush it off.
You're, right, we do get stronger from every painful experience, but calling someone weak is going too far. Not everyone can stand up and get over thing right away, but eventually you rise from the ashes as a survivor.

Perhaps  I was wrong about you being ignorant but I think you're a bit harsh.
Reply
:iconalparsln:
alparsln Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2014
Yes i am a little bit harsh but my wording is probably harsher than what i really mean. Maybe i should work on that. Actually i don't think i am beautiful and i am outcasted from society but still i love life. When something comes at me i say make it double i am a fighter. I am mad because everyone can be as strong as me because what i do is not something heroic. For me it is what a normal person should do. Thank you for spending quite sometime answering my comments. I really do like exchanging ideas, getting a new perspective and adding yourself something and moving on. Because for me life is all about moving on, running, charging and when you have to crushing. There are so many people on the internet that can't even communicate properly seeing and speaking with you is a really good change of pace. I hope you'll have a nice life that you always find strength to crush obstacles ahead of you.
Reply
:iconakiharris:
AkiHarris Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
Thank you. And the same goes for you. : )
Reply
:iconflameboy007:
Flameboy007 Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2014
You're such an ignorant lil brat. When you learn something called empathy, come back and apologise. 😤
Reply
:iconalparsln:
alparsln Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2014
Actually my advice is the best comment i can think of. You can always feel for someone or you can write "ooo i can totally relate to that, you are not alone" but in the end everyone is alone. Don't get me wrong. Family and real friends are way more important, sometimes more important than your very dear life but it does not change the fact that we are truly alone and if you want to make a change only thing you have to do is decide. It's not if i can or i can't it's whether you do it or you don't and to do that you have to man up. About my comment i don't think saying "oo that was very beautiful" will help. He or she is a whiny weak kid and the artist says so at the poem i quote
"If I could stop feeling this way,
Believe me, 
I would.
Stop thinking like this?
If only 
I could."
and i don't have the skill to make a speech as good as one on below so please read it and understand my way of thinking.
Rocky Balboa: Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place, and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Now, if you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what you’re worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain’t you. You’re better than that!
Reply
:iconskittlestheclown:
Skittlestheclown Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2014  Student Writer
what a shitty thing to say! what is your problem? fucking aye! -_-
Reply
:iconalparsln:
alparsln Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2014
i just hate the smell of weak
Reply
:iconakiharris:
AkiHarris Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
And I hate the smell of douche bag
Reply
:iconskittlestheclown:
Skittlestheclown Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2014  Student Writer
What a dick....
Reply
:iconnevadarene:
nevadarene Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2014
Made me tear up. Beautiful! Hamtaro Mouse Emoji-02 (Kawaii) [V1] 
Reply
:iconninapcity:
NinaPCity Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
That was intense and on in all SANDLSDNXALSD. Thanks for putting your thoughts like this. It is nice to know that you ain't the only one, and also nice to have someone put the thoughts into perspective. Well written :hug: 
Reply
:iconrammstein-girl-97:
rammstein-girl-97 Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2014
I swear you've been in my head. I relapsed in June my friend was so angry with me. Feeling better now (I think), I'm glad writing helps you. it helps me too. You're writing makes me remember that I'm not the only one who feels like this. Hug 
Reply
:iconsecret0fun:
Secret0Fun Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for writing this. 
   It's nice to be reminded that you're not alone sometimes.
Reply
:iconcorporaterockwhore:
CorporateRockWhore Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:hug:
Reply
:iconronaether:
RonAether Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2014
Holy shit (Sorry for language but that's the only way I know how to say that). It's kinda like someone took my brain and mashed it in to a keyboard... I'm still good (About two months now. I relapsed in June but I've bitten it back. Hopefully, anyway...) but every so often that beast rears it's ugly head again.
Reply
:iconcorporaterockwhore:
CorporateRockWhore Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I hope you're doing okay :hug:
Reply
:iconronaether:
RonAether Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2014
I'm doing well now :hug:. It's just tough sometimes, my real friends all stopped talking to me (They had legitimate reasons, I don't hold it against them), so I've kinda been on my own. Wouldn't be the first time, but it does make handling things difficult sometimes.
Reply
:iconpereyga:
Pereyga Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I think I'd prefer not really getting what you're writing about.
Reply
:iconcorporaterockwhore:
CorporateRockWhore Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:hug:
Reply
:iconpereyga:
Pereyga Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
:)
Reply
:iconsailor-girl1234:
Sailor-girl1234 Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Hey.

I just read that, and that reminds me so much of myself when In my teen years. I was 13, lonely, and frustrated that I would never find anybody at all, because of how I was born.

26 years ago, I was born 26 weeks premature and barely had a chance at living the 1st day, because I weighed in at 2pounds, 2-1/2 ounces. It was a 1st rough couple of years for me just trying to survive another day. I never fully understood why people started at me for no reason at all, and so, for along time afterwards, I thought of myself as a freak. 

Then I turned 16 and I realized that not only was I attracted to guys, I was also attracted to girls as well. And that put a lot of anger and confusion in me as I struggled to find myself. I "dated" this guy and that girl, hoping it would make my feel better about myself. It did, but only for what seemed like 5 minutes. And that's when I began to cut in myself. It dulled the pain in a way I never felt before, (hurt like shit if you ask me) and did that for a couple of years, when at 19, I just stopped, but I still felt lonesome and angry inside. However, I had given up dating at that point, because what was the point if nobody was going to love me in return?

I actually did see some people over the years, but it was nothing major, until I met my ex-girlfriend, Sami last year. She seemed nice enough, but only 1 month in, in May, she was so obnoxious, I questioned why I even hooked up with her. And so, I was so pissed off, I logged into my Twitter page, and that's when I found my amazing fiancé, Neville "Nevi" Dominico Faltzov.

But at the time, I had secret feelings for Nevi while in the meantime, I was desperately trying to keep Sami. When it was nearly me and Sami's 3rd-month anniversary in June, I cut off all contact with her, because I discovered too little too late, that she was stealing my money right out from under my nose and not too mention, she was cheating on me as well, and so after that, it was back to Nevi and now, here I am, Bi-Sexual, and engaged to the most wonderful guy on the planet! (Which, BTW; Nevi is going to be 25 next month)! I'm so proud of where I got to!

I tell you this because though we may all be broken, we are all still beautiful. :hug:
Reply
:iconcorporaterockwhore:
CorporateRockWhore Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Hello :)

You're story is very touching and I thank you very much for sharing it with me. :glomp:

I like both boys and girls too, although it doesn't really bother me all that much (although I guess I'm still somewhat 'in the closet' about it, in terms that only my close friends and no family members no). When I started cutting I did because I was really struggling through my mother being terminally ill, and then my cutting got worse after she passed away in 2012. 

I'm sorry that you with someone like Sami - you seem too nice to be with someone who would steal from you. But I'm also really happy that you're happily engaged now! I wish you the best of luck with you and your fiancée. :D

:hug:
Reply
:iconsailor-girl1234:
Sailor-girl1234 Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Awww! Thanks hun! And yippee for you being Bi-Sexual as well! :woohoo: 

Do you have a boyfriend? Girlfriend? If not, you'll find that person when your ready, just like me and Nevi! :squee:

And I'm very sorry your mom passed. Nevi doesn't have his parents either. His dad passed when he was 7-years-old, and his mom passed as of 4 years ago... :(

And I still live with my parents for the moment, but their so fucking homophobic, they could care less about me. At least you care. :)
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