Such a ContradictionI'm just that fat kidStarved of hope.I'm just that cutterReaching for rope.I'm just that dumb blondeReading all night.I'm just that cowardBleeding for a fright.I'm just that childWithout care.I'm just that girlWith messy hair.I'm just that burnerWanting to be cool.I'm just that geekScared of school.I'm just that emoSmiling with glee.You're just another droneBut you'll never be me.
TodayI saw something in the mirror today that kinda creeped me out.It was a girl wearing a smile, not a frown nor a pout.Her eyes were wide and shining, just as a summer sun.Her laugh wasn't wooden and fake, but true and full of fun.Her irises reflected happiness, not a trace of pain.She was under perfect skies; not a drop of rain.Angels swam around her, keeping the devil at bay.Her life was precious and she wasn't throwing it away.Her lips were red and shinging with a pure smile.It was a sight her mirror hadn't seen in a very long while.She wasn't at all pretty but a care she did not give.Because today she woke up and said, "Today I am going to live."
Another Fallen OneThere was a lady on telly today,Talking from a land far away;Her kid had died,Torn apart from the inside.The kid had hung herself in the family bathroom.The lady was crying,You could hear her heart dyingAnd mine did too.I could've been that kid,What with all the things I didAnd my family could've been her;Left with nothing but despair.I envy the kidFor doing what she did.I thank the kid,Making me think about what I nearly did.I mourn the kid,Gone because of what others did.Don't ever think you wouldn't be missed,Because there's always that personWho'll miss you,Praying you'll pull throughUntil memories of your smile is all they have.
Hope (I Won't)I won't let a razor bladeTake away this life I've made.I won't let the shame and guiltRuin everything I've built.I won't let being wrongStop me from being strong.I won't let sorrow and painResurrect the demons that I've slain.I won't let ugly spiteTell me that I'm not right.I won't let the dark pastMake my endless hurt last.I won't let this nooseLeave me hanging loose.I won't let the world win;My life is only just about to begin.
Do As I Say, Not As I DoDo as I say,Not as I do'Cause I'd hate to see cutsAll over you.They check my wristsAnd think that I'm fine.If they checked my hips,They'd see many a line.It's my hobby,That thing that I doNo matter what though,I pray you never do.
Things I'll Never SayThere are certain things I’ll never say,Like how I thought about killing myself todayJust to keep my own scary thoughts away.Like how I stay awake way too lateTo be sure I don’t awake in a bloody state.Like how I soaked white into red last nightAnd turned myself into a ghastly sight.Like how it hurts too much to breatheWhen I make my own skin seethe.Like how I Google things I shouldn’tWhen I want to do things I couldn’t.Like how I’m scared of being aloneYet I’m only happy when I’m on my own.Like how I know I’ll wind up killing myselfAnd turn into just a dusty photo on a dusty shelf.Like how I make myself bleed every dayEven though I know I can’t go on this way.Like how I maybe want someone to seeAnd for them to somehow help me.But nobody will ever help me,Not really,Because those are all the things I’ll never say.
Cross My WristsCross my wrists and hope to die,I will only ever lieWhen you ask me if I’m fineOr if I like this life of mine.If I had a gun,I’d put it to my headAnd turn bouncy blonde,Into ruby red.You want me to stop cutting;I’ll stop when I’m dead.The last time I’ll cutWill be the last thing I seeWhen I finally put an end to me.Dying sounds good right now,Just fading into blackAnd never coming backTo the agony living brings.Perhaps you’ll find me hanging,Or bleeding,Or after OD’ing;Someday soon you’ll find me,Finally free.It’s too late now,I’m too far gone.Now I’m just a ghostOf who could’ve been someone.
Turning PointWhen I was a kidI thought that ‘gay’ was just an insultAnd as a resultI cried when a big kid called me it.When I was a tweenMy teacher said she was worried about two guysWho always locked eyesAnd I didn’t get why she was wrong to say it.When I was a teenI went on the internet and found out it allWhen I started to fallFor both boys and girls and I didn’t get why.When I was a teenI made out with a girl from my schoolIt was pretty coolBut I was too scared to tell anyone.When I’m an adultI’m gonna tell my kids that it’s okayTo be bi or trans or gayOr any other orientationBecause, well, it is.
Forever YoursI'll always be your little girl,And I still need you hereIt's become so clearThat I can't handle things alone.Every time I think of youI try to forgetBecause everything I never saidIs everything that I regret.I wish I was the one taken;I know they miss you moreAnd the world would be less shakenIf it'd lost this blonde bore.You were my mother,My sister and my friendAnd no otherWill ever replace that;Why wasn't I there at the end?Sometimes I wake at nightCrying for you like a kidWho doesn't understand what they didTo be left behind.
SometimesSometimes I just feeling like crying,Like screaming and dyingBut I've gotten so good at lying,You'd never ever guess.Sometimes I talk and talk and talk,Or simply go for a walkSometimes I'm cheese and sometimes chalk,Who even is Me?Sometimes I hate them and you,Everyone else tooBut then I don't have a clue'Cause it hurts to be this lonely.Sometimes I forget it all,Stand proud and tallBut then I fallAnd I'm in Hell again.
What You KnowSometimes the disinfectant hurts more than the infection,Sometimes the pain is better than the protection.Sometimes the tears sting more than the smile,Sometimes the yard tires more than the mile.Sometimes the blood shines brighter than the blade,Sometimes the heart is blacker than the spade.Sometimes the kiss is sharper than the slap,Sometimes the lure is worth the trap.Sometimes the night is lighter than the day,Sometimes the beast is weaker than the prey.Sometimes the cut hurts less than the sob,Sometimes the break is harder than the job.Sometimes the lie is prettier than the truth,Sometimes the alibi is better than the proof.Sometimes the hate is kinder than the love,Sometimes the buzzard is holier than the dove.Sometimes the loser gains more than the winner,Sometimes the saint is worse than the sinner.Sometimes the girl is stronger than the boy,Sometimes the child is more broken than the toy.Sometimes the poison is sweeter than the cure,Sometimes the dirty are
What You WantMaybe you want them to noticeMaybe you want them to seeMaybe you want them to care aboutHow you’re lost and lonely me.Maybe you want them to askMaybe you want them to knowMaybe you want them to care aboutHow your happiness is a show.Maybe you want them to quietMaybe you want them to listenMaybe you want them to care aboutHow your blood does glisten.Maybe you want them to leave youMaybe you want them to dieMaybe you want them to care aboutHow your life’s just a lie.
The Kind of PersonI’m the kind of personWho would kill to rememberBut would die to forget;Who has done awful thingsBut finds solace in regret.I’m the kind of personWho doesn’t like peopleBut is desperate for friends;Who loves new beginningsBut fears oncoming ends.I’m the kind of personWho aches to be lovedBut knows love is a lie;Who wants to feel aliveBut is longing to die.I’m the kind of personWho dreams of a futureBut is stuck in the past;Who always plays to winBut is eternally last.I'm the kind of personWho smiles at the sunBut is burning with cold;Who wants to stay youngBut is already too old.I’m the kind of personWho expects the worstBut tries to keep hope;Who is good with a bladeBut will end it with rope.
Red ScreamsSmiling at me, shiny silver teethBegging my wristFor one chasteKiss.Grinning at me, that evil smirkMaking my heart poundGoing berserk.So sharp soGoodI know ICouldAnd really IWouldBecause IShould.Arm’s too full of bloodOf scarsFrom attempts toJoin the stars.Photo album ofRuby caressesMy diary of myCrimson lamentShowing oneStatement;I am stillAlive.
Life ItselfThe only time I smiled todayWas when I thought of dyingAnd how good I am at lyingEach and every single day.I've got a box of painkillersThey sleep right by my bedFor when all I see is red,They'll numb it into darkest white.I've tried talking to people,But I can't word what I want to sayAnd maybe I like living this way,Knowing that I'll die soon.I know I'm self-destructiveMy crosshatch skin screams itBut inside there's a little bitThat still aches to be saved.I've tried before and I'll try againTo put my worthlessness awayBut fate forced me to stay;Death's a bitch like that.Life makes me want to dieYet it won't let me leaveOr grant me a reprieveFrom that which it's made me hate;Life itself.
Secrets...Secrets are things that people won't tell,Despite the greatest truthsHidden within them.Secrets are things that people lie toCover up,In fear of you finding out what'sReal.Sweetie, here are a few secretsThat I feel must be shared,Because they've been kept forFarTooLong.You are beautiful. You are stronger than your weaknesses.You are unique. You are different. You are perfect.You are not defined by your sadness, nor are you defined by the stereotypes.You are not broken, despite the the scars and missing pieces.You are powerful.Wonderful.Marvelous.You are a fighter.And, darling,I know no one has whisperedThese things to you.But remember,The only things that people won't tell,Are the secrets.And that's because the secrets are true.
Perfectly FlawedYou are not perfect.You are not flawless.You are, in fact,Perfectly flawed.Excuse me if I amLacking tact,But it’s true.As there are stars in the sky,And no matter how hardYou try,You will always have flaws.And that’s okay;After all,You cannot have a solar systemWithout stars,Just as you cannot have a warriorWithout scars.Mind,Body,And soul,We all have flawsWe cannot control,And even ones we can.And that’s okay.Because tomorrow and today,They are the stitches in the fabricOf your beingAnd I think you are all the more beautifulFor seeingThat your flaws are as importantAs your perfections.
All Her Little ThingsStop hating her for the littlest things.The things she can't prevent,The things she can't save herself from..Stop demanding her to do things,Things she can't accomplish,Things she can't imagine being done...Stop lying to her,Telling her you love her,Want her, need her...When all you've ever done is make her want toDie.Stop hating her for the littlest things.The things she can't prevent,The things she can't save herself from...Because,When those little things you've doneTake her down...The little things won't matter anymore.
To YouTo the girl I sawWith the sad, sad eyes.To the boy I metWho wasn't allowed to cry.To the man I sawWho was falsely accused.To the woman I metWho was badly abused.This is my ode to youFor you live on despite it.I'm so proud of youFor you can still fight it.The world is against you,But it's not your fault.It's just the way This world was taught.So live on, live on,Don't you give up here.It gets better later,The light is near.I believe in you,I know you can make it.I'll reach out my hand,If you need it, just take it.You're special, You're important,You're not invisible,You exist, And you'll be fine.
What's Happening?"She seems like a whore" But I-- "You're kind of bitchy" People say I'm-- "He's cheating with you, isn't he?" What are you-- "You act like such a slut" I haven't even-- "You sure you're not a lesbian" Yes! I-- "God, you're so lazy" I am not! I-- "You never take anything seriously!" Maybe, but I-- "You're, like, a 9 on the scale" What? I-- "You're so nice all the time" I try-- "I never knew you were so deep" There's a lot of-- "You're what this place is missing" You really think-- "You're always so optimistic" Well, yeah, I-- "Everyone loves you" Are you-- "I think you'll go far" I dont know-- You ask me what I'm talking aboutWhen I seem so so confusedWhy won't you just make up your mind, everybodyIt's not like I've got something left to loseI'm beaten down and brought back upNow, every single dayIs this some sick tric
Gun Within The MirrorIt feels as if my reflectionPoints a gun at its own head,As my bullet shoots the mirrorAnd paints the floor with red,And it feels as if my gunJust isn't steady in my hand,Because darling, when I jump off cliffs,Do you think I always land?It feels as if the razor bladeMight be my only friend,And it feels as if the broken glassMight soon begin to bend,Because my reflection is distorted, love.Can't you see that, love, can't you see?I'm pointing a gun at the mirror,And the mirror points back at me.
ProblemsHatred, whether based onYour looksYour personalityYour smileYour tearsYour realityYour fantasiesYour happinessYour depressionYour honestyLiesFeelingsDreamsGoalsWishes..Hatred,Hatred is the problem.Not you.
Am I Good Enough...?Legs crossed on a cold basement floor,Blood stains painting my flesh,The wounds deeper than ever before,A white gown now a short black dress.Long tangled hair clinging to my tearsWind howling through the trees,Moonlight painting a sky so clear,And darling, I'm going to be set free.My fingers scratch at the blood on my skin,A delightful pain at the thought of a touch,And hey, everyone who said I wasn't worth it,Tell me,Now am I good enough?
Lying is Bad (A message to myself)Hello darling.Have you ever held a needle to your wrist?Have you ever skipped a meal because you were hungry?Have you ever punched your stomach before falling asleep?Have you ever felt wrong, because you told someone you were okay? (After all, lying is bad.)Have you ever rocked back and forth without realizing, until someone else told you to stop?Have you ever slammed your head against your wall so you might forget your situation?Have you ever cried in a thunderstorm so no one would hear your cries for help?Have you ever worn long sleeves and said it was because you were chilly... then felt horrible? (After all, lying is bad.)Hello darling, I know you have.But remember, you're strong. You're worthy.You're more powerful than your sadness.You are incredible.You have been through more than you know,And fought through more than you know...And you've survived much more than you know.You are going to make it.You are going to push through this.You are going to
Somewhere Between the SpacesA girl sits, her face as blank as an unpainted canvas,Her forearms with words written in scars,“Ugly”, “Worthless”, and finally,“Pain”.Because somewhere between the spacesOf broken times of the cold winter nightsAnd the days meant to be filled withGlee…She was taught, somewhere, somehow,To completely despise the girlShe was growing to become,And more so the one she alreadyWas.Though she felt the pain ofSword fights and battlesBashing on the sides of her mind,She was sure to keep herself looking perfect,So perhaps someone could love theUgliness, which she had written on her foreheadFor the world to see.She desired to belong to someoneOther than herself,Because after all,It is every little girl’s dream.She was no more than ten years old,When she first remembered the shameFrom seeing her own body,And of course, it will not be theLast.She would run home from class at the end ofBoring days,Running aw
A letter to my watchersSmiling through your pain,Till the wounds stop bleeding.Running through your cloudsOnce the sky stops raining.Never saying never,Going faster, stronger, betterEven when theRaindrops seem to fall down forever.Till the birds start to sing, andHappiness overwhelms you,And a smile takes over your faceNow and eternally.Surviving through the pain,Until the wounds stopped bleeding.It never seemed it would end,Crying, screaming, dying...Indeed it did, itDied away..Even when the raindrops would never end.
Does that make me Different?I wear make up. Does that make me fake?I cry. Does that make me emo?I have male friends. Does that make me slutty?I smile a lot. Does that make me weird?I laugh loud. Does that make me preppy?I have anxiety. Does that make me a freak?I have Bipolar Disorder. Does that make me abnormal?I respect people. I change for me, and only me. I have a past, but I know I have a future.Does that make me different?Maybe.But at least it makes meMe.
Looks LieI’m ugly and fatBut I can deal with that‘Cause it means people like me for me;Not for what they see.