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Submitted on
May 18, 2014
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Eleven
I’m part of a local kids’ theatre group
I get all the lead roles;
I am confident.

I’m on registers for being
‘Gifted and Talented’;
My future is bright.

I’m not popular or pretty
But I’m too innocent;
I don’t see why it should matter.

I start high school.
First day.
My friend’s mum picks me up.
I get home.
My mum
Isn’t
There;
She’s in the hospital.

They lie to me;
She has a
Broken neck,
Two crushed
Vertebrae.
That’s all.

I believe them.

Months later;
‘Ellie, I have cancer.’

I never trust anyone again.


Twelve
I quit the theatre club.
Mum isn’t worse,
So I assume she’s
Better.

We go to Italy,
Me and her.
We laugh.
We have fun.

Yeah, she’s definitely getting better.

My mum can’t die;
No way.


Thirteen
In and out of hospital.
Just like
The past
Two years.

Living off of
Microwave meals
And McDonald’s.

Everyone acts like I know.

I don’t know anything.


Fourteen
29th January, 2011
I cut myself for the first time.
Over seventy cuts.
I look like a tiger.

I tell them I won’t do it again.

I’m lying.

I stop talking to people
Unless I have to.
I lose friends,
I lose life,
I lose heart.

We go to London
To see the Christmas lights.

She collapses.

I’m so scared.
The paramedic is more worried about me
Than she is about
My cancerous mother.

Christmas.
She gives me plane tickets;
New York.
We always said we’d go.
Together.

I don’t understand
Why the second ticket
Is for my aunt and
Not for her.


Fifteen
She’s gone.
10th March, 2012.
They told me,
My family,
Right until the end,
Up to the morning before,
That she’d get better.

She died.
Is that better?

The first thing
My father says;
‘You can’t live with me.’
I refuse to go to his wedding.

I stop eating.
I want to be pretty;
Pretty people
Aren’t sad.
Besides,
If it kills me,
What have I got to lose?

I try to kill myself.
I fail.
My sleeves ride up;
The boy serving me at a shop
Stops
And stares.

I stop going to school.
The teachers let me.
I teach myself
From text books.

I don’t see the point.

I have my first kiss.
I tell him I'll call.
I never do.

I fall in love with alcohol.


Sixteen
Doctor says I’m too skinny.
I ruin my thighs
With angry red cuts.
Doctor gives me meds.

I see how many pills
I can take before
I feel anything.

I go to school again,
Out of my head
On too many
Anti-depressants.

I take anti-anxiety meds
Strong enough to knock me out.

I’m not eleven anymore.

Boys at school notice me;
I’m skinny.
I change my wardrobe
Until I look more like
A Barbie doll
Than an outdated emo kid.

I get wolf-whistled.
Men old enough
To be my father,
Tell me they’ve got something for me.

A boy I used to crush on
Sends me dirty messages.
I show them to my friends;
We laugh at him.
He used to bully me.

I play people.
I don’t care.
I want to feel loved,
Adored;
It doesn’t matter
If I actually am.

In those summer months,
I’m a goddess.
Boys and girls,
Do anything
To be all over me.

I have my first boyfriend.
It’s explosive.
I decide commitment isn’t for me.

I start smoking.
I quit smoking.

I refuse to go to prom;
Everyone’s mothers will be there,
Cooing over their
‘grown up’ children.
Mine won’t;
Not ever.

I surprise everyone.
Attendance isn’t correlative with achievement;
My grades are good.

I start college.

I put weight back on.
I come off my meds.
I see a counsellor.
Things get better
As I find my footing.

Seventeen
I’m okay.
I wrote this because I want to show that, no matter how bad it gets, things always have the capacity to get better. 

First time I've written something in this style, so please forgive its rubbishness. 
Add a Comment:
 
:iconfallen-galaxy:
Fallen-Galaxy Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2015  New member Hobbyist General Artist
that was amaizing ...sad..but amaizing 
Reply
:iconcorporaterockwhore:
CorporateRockWhore Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you :)
Reply
:iconfobkuriboh17:
fobkuriboh17 Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Your writing is so beautiful and honest. Don't stop writing ever, please. :hug: 
Reply
:iconcorporaterockwhore:
CorporateRockWhore Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much :hug:
Reply
:iconfobkuriboh17:
fobkuriboh17 Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
You are so welcome. 
Reply
:iconflameboy007:
Flameboy007 Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2014
I wish I knew you in person. I would definitely be your friend. ❤️
It's a lovely piece of poetry, its very touching and moving. You're such an amazing person and a real tough cookie ;)
Reply
:iconlmw-creations:
LMW-Creations Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
This is the lovliest thing ever. So wonderful and impactful. Although the only thing I can relate to is hospital visits, being kept in secrecy, and especially living on McDonalds as well as practically just living in the hospital (until things start to get 'bad' and it's 'too bad' for the 'kid').
Anyways, a wonderful meaning to an amazing piece of poetry. :clap:
Reply
:iconportalrunner2:
portalrunner2 Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2014
... thats really good ... Hug 
Reply
:iconglacial-moon:
Glacial-Moon Featured By Owner May 29, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Hug Hug Hug Hug you need a hug
Reply
:iconsunlit-sadness:
Sunlit-Sadness Featured By Owner May 29, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
oh my god that was really good. i loved all the emotions it brought out and it shows that no matter what you will get through it
i actually had touble reading at the end because my eyes were so watered up
Reply
:iconoceansilverbreeze:
OceanSilverBreeze Featured By Owner May 27, 2014
I'm actually crying. Don't say it's rubbish because to me, to us, it's beautiful. You write really well. 
Reply
:iconmiss-anime-lover:
miss-anime-lover Featured By Owner May 27, 2014
The detail is amazing and the description is just right for the subject.
Reply
:iconnicholas-mark-amos:
NICHOLAS-MARK-AMOS Featured By Owner May 26, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
We have slightly more in common than you let on in initial conversations.

I'm a hypocrite for saying so.
Reply
:iconrosescarlet:
RoseScarlet Featured By Owner May 25, 2014  Student Writer
Is this from personal experience? I'm so sorry. I am. It's horrible losing someone you love to something that can't be controlled.
Reply
:iconcappuccino-jennyxoxo:
cappuccino-jennyxoxo Featured By Owner May 24, 2014  Student Writer
this gives me hope
Reply
:iconpseudonym-chan:
Pseudonym-chan Featured By Owner May 23, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Wow, just... wow. I have so much respect for you being able to pick yourself back up after everything that's happened to you
Reply
:iconhyurikken:
Hyurikken Featured By Owner May 23, 2014
There are no words to describe this....
Reply
:iconwaffles-of-gondolyn:
Waffles-Of-Gondolyn Featured By Owner May 21, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
your mom would be proud of you, dear. :hug: 
Reply
:iconcorporaterockwhore:
CorporateRockWhore Featured By Owner May 22, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you :)
Reply
:iconwaffles-of-gondolyn:
Waffles-Of-Gondolyn Featured By Owner May 22, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
you're welcome! (=
Reply
:iconx-holly97-x:
x-Holly97-x Featured By Owner May 21, 2014
this is incredible <3
Reply
:iconcorporaterockwhore:
CorporateRockWhore Featured By Owner May 22, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you :hug:
Reply
:iconrandomcatsrfuntolove:
randomcatsrfuntolove Featured By Owner May 20, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Inspiring in a way, even in the dark. I'd be crying if not for the ending. :)
Reply
:iconcorporaterockwhore:
CorporateRockWhore Featured By Owner May 22, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you; glad it didn't make you cry! :)
Reply
:iconmageofcats:
Mageofcats Featured By Owner May 20, 2014  Student General Artist
I... I have not read anything in this exact style before. I thought that it was amazing, and I am saddened that I will not be able to write something reminiscent of this poem (because that would be stealing. Blarf.)

:heart:
Reply
:iconcorporaterockwhore:
CorporateRockWhore Featured By Owner May 22, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much and of course you can write something like this! It's not stealing if you put your own spin on it. :)
Reply
:iconmageofcats:
Mageofcats Featured By Owner May 22, 2014  Student General Artist
I really can't - I wouldn't be able to write it. XD

I'd be hampered by the fact that it feels wrong... ^_^
Reply
:iconrae3604:
rae3604 Featured By Owner May 19, 2014
This is the first time a poem has brought tears to my eyes. I can't begin to explain, it's just so powerful and raw. My heart goes out to you and I'm sorry that things turned out the way they have. That's beyond a difficult journey, but I'm glad to see the last line "I'm okay".
Reply
:iconcorporaterockwhore:
CorporateRockWhore Featured By Owner May 22, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very, very much :hug:
Reply
:iconshadowfane2019:
Shadowfane2019 Featured By Owner May 19, 2014
The powerful strength in this message speaks to me on such an emotional level that I'm having trouble holding the tears back in my little cubicle at work. You tell stories so beautifully, even heart wrenching tales like the one you just spun. The choppy style seems to suit it, as though it is hard to get out, but needs to be said. It works to the poems advantage.

I am so sorry that happened to you, and so young. :hug: I know I am only a DeviantArt friend, but I hope you can at least count me in the friends catagory, and if you ever need someone for anything, you can contact me. You are a beautiful person with a powerful voice and I consider it an honor to know you. <3 :glomp:
Reply
:iconcorporaterockwhore:
CorporateRockWhore Featured By Owner May 22, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very, very much! I'm really glad you think that the style suited it - like I said, it's a style I haven't really used before and I was quite nervous about posting it.

Of course I count you as a friend! And thank you very, very much for being so utterly lovely. :hug: :hug: :hug:
Reply
:iconshadowfane2019:
Shadowfane2019 Featured By Owner May 22, 2014
AWW, you're welcome sweetie. :) You should never be nervous when posting your work. You always write from the heart, and anything written from the heart will be beautiful. <3

Yay for friends!!!! :la: I find myself in short supply of those lately. Thank you so much for being so sweet and so amazing. :hug: :glomp: :hug: :glomp:
Reply
:iconlovemondotrasho:
lovemondotrasho Featured By Owner May 19, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
This is one of the hardest things I've had to read.  I saw so much of myself on the screen that it took me a minute to collect myself.  I cannot get past the fact that you were brave enough to open yourself up so much.  This is one of the most inspirational things I have ever read, and I'm glad I read it.  Things do have the capacity to get better.  It seems like the world is turning into a bottomless black hole and you want to force yourself to see an end to it. 

As of now, I'm towards the end of Sixteen (though we Americans don't start college until we're eighteen), and I'm also finding my footing.  It took five years to get where I am, but my worst day in recovery is far better than my best day in a relapse. I am unbelievably proud of how far people like you and I have come.  

Beautiful piece - I'm so sorry you had to go through all of these things, but I'm happier to know that you're in the "I'm okay" stage.  

Much love :love: :love: :love: 
Reply
:iconcorporaterockwhore:
CorporateRockWhore Featured By Owner May 22, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much! I don't really find it all that hard to open myself up when it comes to posting things online; it feels like releasing the negative feelings and the people who read it are people that I'm probably unlikely to meet in real life. And you are right - if there is one thing that life has taught me, it's that things always have the capacity to get better.

I think that our college is like the last two years of American high school, and then our university is like American college. I am proud of you and how far you have come (although I do not know your full story); well done!

Thank you very much for being so lovely :hug: :hug: :hug:
Reply
:iconlovemondotrasho:
lovemondotrasho Featured By Owner May 23, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
When you put it like that, it does make it sound easier.  I've only started to accept that all of these things aren't my fault.  Up until now, I've been guarded about things because I was ashamed I guess.  I felt like there was something wrong with me.  There's a song by Coldplay, "Life is for Living", that I always listen to whenever I'm in a rock bottom mood and it always puts me in a better mood by the end.  

I think so.  I tried to listen to my uncles explain it to me when I visited them last summer, but I kind of lost them at A level and O level haha.  My full story would basically be the end of fifteen, minus alcohol and smoking but with a lot more blades and sharp metal objects.  

Aww, you're such a lovely person.  :hug: Much warm.  So fuzzy.  Many feeling. 
Reply
:iconrolllinggirl:
RolllingGirl Featured By Owner May 19, 2014
Respect.
Reply
:iconcorporaterockwhore:
CorporateRockWhore Featured By Owner May 22, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:)
Reply
:icondefine-yourself:
define-yourself Featured By Owner May 19, 2014  Student Writer
I am sorry for your loss. I can't imagine being without my mom now, let alone when I was a teenager. This is a very strong poem, but I think you get your idea across wonderfully. I like the style as well. 
Reply
:iconcorporaterockwhore:
CorporateRockWhore Featured By Owner May 22, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much. I'm relieved that you liked the style - I wasn't too sure about it myself. :)
Reply
:icondefine-yourself:
define-yourself Featured By Owner May 23, 2014  Student Writer
You are very welcome. I'm more of a fan of free verse because I feel, well, freer when writing it--no true rules to format or rhyme, so I can just write exactly what is on my mind. 
Reply
:iconcrystal-magic13:
Crystal-Magic13 Featured By Owner May 19, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Every story has a happy ending.
If it isn't happy, it isn't the end.
Not really.
Not yet.
Reply
:iconcorporaterockwhore:
CorporateRockWhore Featured By Owner May 22, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
That is a fantastic way to look at things and I agree with you completely :)
Reply
:iconcrystal-magic13:
Crystal-Magic13 Featured By Owner May 23, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:glomp: Thankies. :)
Reply
:iconokamiryouma:
OkamiRyouma Featured By Owner May 19, 2014
... sure would be nice if things were always capable of getting better...
Reply
:iconcorporaterockwhore:
CorporateRockWhore Featured By Owner May 22, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Things always have the capacity to get better. Sometimes, you just have to actively look for the good things in life, however small those things might be.
Reply
:iconiraddity:
iRaddity Featured By Owner May 19, 2014  Student Digital Artist
This is fucking powerful.
Beautiful as always, dear<3
Reply
:iconcorporaterockwhore:
CorporateRockWhore Featured By Owner May 22, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you :)
Reply
:iconiraddity:
iRaddity Featured By Owner May 23, 2014  Student Digital Artist
You're welcome! c:
Reply
:iconsinsoffate:
Sinsoffate Featured By Owner May 18, 2014
Damn I just fully realized how bad things were again whenever you need to talk I'm here
Reply
:iconcorporaterockwhore:
CorporateRockWhore Featured By Owner May 22, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks :hug:
Reply
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