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Submitted on
May 18
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Eleven
I’m part of a local kids’ theatre group
I get all the lead roles;
I am confident.

I’m on registers for being
‘Gifted and Talented’;
My future is bright.

I’m not popular or pretty
But I’m too innocent;
I don’t see why it should matter.

I start high school.
First day.
My friend’s mum picks me up.
I get home.
My mum
Isn’t
There;
She’s in the hospital.

They lie to me;
She has a
Broken neck,
Two crushed
Vertebrae.
That’s all.

I believe them.

Months later;
‘Ellie, I have cancer.’

I never trust anyone again.


Twelve
I quit the theatre club.
Mum isn’t worse,
So I assume she’s
Better.

We go to Italy,
Me and her.
We laugh.
We have fun.

Yeah, she’s definitely getting better.

My mum can’t die;
No way.


Thirteen
In and out of hospital.
Just like
The past
Two years.

Living off of
Microwave meals
And McDonald’s.

Everyone acts like I know.

I don’t know anything.


Fourteen
29th January, 2011
I cut myself for the first time.
Over seventy cuts.
I look like a tiger.

I tell them I won’t do it again.

I’m lying.

I stop talking to people
Unless I have to.
I lose friends,
I lose life,
I lose heart.

We go to London
To see the Christmas lights.

She collapses.

I’m so scared.
The paramedic is more worried about me
Than she is about
My cancerous mother.

Christmas.
She gives me plane tickets;
New York.
We always said we’d go.
Together.

I don’t understand
Why the second ticket
Is for my aunt and
Not for her.


Fifteen
She’s gone.
10th March, 2012.
They told me,
My family,
Right until the end,
Up to the morning before,
That she’d get better.

She died.
Is that better?

The first thing
My father says;
‘You can’t live with me.’
I refuse to go to his wedding.

I stop eating.
I want to be pretty;
Pretty people
Aren’t sad.
Besides,
If it kills me,
What have I got to lose?

I try to kill myself.
I fail.
My sleeves ride up;
The boy serving me at a shop
Stops
And stares.

I stop going to school.
The teachers let me.
I teach myself
From text books.

I don’t see the point.

I have my first kiss.
I tell him I'll call.
I never do.

I fall in love with alcohol.


Sixteen
Doctor says I’m too skinny.
I ruin my thighs
With angry red cuts.
Doctor gives me meds.

I see how many pills
I can take before
I feel anything.

I go to school again,
Out of my head
On too many
Anti-depressants.

I take anti-anxiety meds
Strong enough to knock me out.

I’m not eleven anymore.

Boys at school notice me;
I’m skinny.
I change my wardrobe
Until I look more like
A Barbie doll
Than an outdated emo kid.

I get wolf-whistled.
Men old enough
To be my father,
Tell me they’ve got something for me.

A boy I used to crush on
Sends me dirty messages.
I show them to my friends;
We laugh at him.
He used to bully me.

I play people.
I don’t care.
I want to feel loved,
Adored;
It doesn’t matter
If I actually am.

In those summer months,
I’m a goddess.
Boys and girls,
Do anything
To be all over me.

I have my first boyfriend.
It’s explosive.
I decide commitment isn’t for me.

I start smoking.
I quit smoking.

I refuse to go to prom;
Everyone’s mothers will be there,
Cooing over their
‘grown up’ children.
Mine won’t;
Not ever.

I surprise everyone.
Attendance isn’t correlative with achievement;
My grades are good.

I start college.

I put weight back on.
I come off my meds.
I see a counsellor.
Things get better
As I find my footing.

Seventeen
I’m okay.
I wrote this because I want to show that, no matter how bad it gets, things always have the capacity to get better. 

First time I've written something in this style, so please forgive its rubbishness. 
Add a Comment:
 
:iconfobkuriboh17:
fobkuriboh17 Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Your writing is so beautiful and honest. Don't stop writing ever, please. :hug: 
Reply
:iconcorporaterockwhore:
CorporateRockWhore Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much :hug:
Reply
:iconfobkuriboh17:
fobkuriboh17 Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
You are so welcome. 
Reply
:iconflameboy007:
Flameboy007 Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2014
I wish I knew you in person. I would definitely be your friend. ❤️
It's a lovely piece of poetry, its very touching and moving. You're such an amazing person and a real tough cookie ;)
Reply
:iconlmw-creations:
LMW-Creations Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2014  Student Writer
This is the lovliest thing ever. So wonderful and impactful. Although the only thing I can relate to is hospital visits, being kept in secrecy, and especially living on McDonalds as well as practically just living in the hospital (until things start to get 'bad' and it's 'too bad' for the 'kid').
Anyways, a wonderful meaning to an amazing piece of poetry. :clap:
Reply
:iconportalrunner2:
portalrunner2 Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2014
... thats really good ... Hug 
Reply
:iconglacial-moon:
Glacial-Moon Featured By Owner May 29, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Hug Hug Hug Hug you need a hug
Reply
:iconsunlit-sadness:
Sunlit-Sadness Featured By Owner May 29, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
oh my god that was really good. i loved all the emotions it brought out and it shows that no matter what you will get through it
i actually had touble reading at the end because my eyes were so watered up
Reply
:iconoceansilverbreeze:
OceanSilverBreeze Featured By Owner May 27, 2014
I'm actually crying. Don't say it's rubbish because to me, to us, it's beautiful. You write really well. 
Reply
:iconmiss-anime-lover:
miss-anime-lover Featured By Owner May 27, 2014
The detail is amazing and the description is just right for the subject.
Reply
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