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About Literature / Hobbyist Premium Member EllieFemale/United Kingdom Groups :iconkickthephanz: KickthePhanz
 
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I hope that you enjoy viewing my stuff as much as I enjoyed writing/making it! :)

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This is something I posted on my tumblr ( unicornsandbandsandstuff.tumbl… ), but I thought you guys might like to/benefit from reading this too:

Okay, so this is something I’m really proud of. I haven’t engaged in any harmful activities in a week! I’ve been an on-off self-harmer (mainly cutting, but sometimes burning too) for over three years; I started precisely a week after my fourteenth birthday, and I am now seventeen. I have issues with anxiety, and when I was fifteen I lost my mother to cancer, who had been in-and-out of hospital since I was eleven. It was quite a frightening way to spend the first half of my teenage years, going to the hospital to visit her every day after school and at weekends. Unsurprisingly, at fourteen I just snapped and sliced myself up. The habit stuck and, at fifteen, I took it a step further; a couple of months after my mother passed away, I tried to kill myself. I was unsuccessful, obviously.

 

In my early teenage years I saw some horrible things. I saw my mother, someone who I felt like it was my responsibility to look after, in horrendous amounts of pain. I saw her sobbing. I saw her lose her hair. I saw her get weaker. I saw her lose weight. I saw her dying. I watched her die and I saw her dead body, completely motionless and grey and it killed me. In her last days she couldn’t even talk right, she couldn’t walk. I have this painfully vivid memory of about a week before she passed, of my nan helping my mum use a Zimmer-frame in order to get to bed. My mum was sobbing in pain, and I knew she’d given up because she was crying out ‘I can’t do this anymore, I can’t do it’, but then my nan said, ‘your little girl is in that room right there and she can hear you’. Two minutes later, my mother was looking through my bedroom door and smiling, saying goodnight and telling me that she loved me, that everything was going to be okay. Maybe that’s a nice thing to remember, I don’t know. But then I also remember things like when she collapsed at Waterloo Station, in London, and the paramedic being more worried about me in the back of the ambulance because I was so scared that I practically wasn’t breathing. The most heart-breaking thing is that we always talked about going to New York together. I think she knew that her last Christmas was just that, her last. So she saved up all of her money (quite a feat for a shopaholic), and bought me and my aunt a flight (to New Jersey, specifically so that I could say I’ve been in the home state of My Chemical Romance) and a room at the New Yorker Hotel, right near Times Square. She bought me that holiday so that I could fulfil our dream, knowing that she wouldn’t be there. And it just blows me away.

 

After she died I basically lost it. I stopped eating, I stopped sleeping, I stopped talking to people. I refused to go to school, and when I did go I would refuse to do the work, telling teachers things like, ‘what’s the point in doing it? We all die in the end anyway.’ After my attempt, I took about six months out of school, doing work at home instead. I dropped from a UK size 18 to a size 6, and I felt cold all the time.  

 

And here I am today. I’m not posting this for attention; I’m posting it to let people know that I got better, and that if I can, then they can too. I started to talk to people, professional people, and I currently take medication (citalopram) to help me along a little. There’s nothing wrong with asking for help. I try to fill my time up with things like reading, writing, baking, and exercising. Diversion is a really great tactic to use. Watching cuts turn to scars gives me the greatest sense of satisfaction, purely because my body is making itself heal instead of me making it bleed. I still get nightmares (usually watching my mother die and being unable to stop it), and things often still get shitty, but I guess that’s life. And I’m cool with that.

 

So, yeah. To round up; I am okay, and it’s okay to not be okay, as long as you know that, one day, you will be okay again. And it’s okay to ask for help if you’re not feeling okay, and need a nudge towards feeling okay.

 

You can do it, friend. I believe in you. 

  • Mood: Optimism
You are amazing.

You are the smiling face,
That gave that kid
Better hope for this place.

You are the helping hand,
Even if you didn’t know it,
That helped everything turn out
Better than planned.

You are the voice
That helped someone
Make a vital choice.

You are the joke
That made them laugh
And gave them that stroke
Of happiness that they needed.

You are the bright eyes
That light the way,
A lantern of hope
Through the fog of lies.

You are their push towards
Their positive afterwards.

And you are far from worthless.
You,
To someone,
Are the most important person
In the world.

We are all characters
In someone else’s story.
That pivotal point,
That pushes them from misery,
And leads them to their glory.
Wases
Are painful,
So are weres;
And it's the becauses
That make them feel
That much worse.
Past Tense Blues
Very different to what I normally write, this literally popped into my head at like one o'clock this morning. I'm trying to have a go at different styles, including writing shorter poems. Please let me know what you think :)
Loading...
I’m noticing things
I didn’t before;
Things that I
Just can’t ignore.

Kids getting shot
For the colour of their skin,
Loving being treated
As though it’s a sin.

Sexism running like blood
Through the veins of the media,
Kids killing kids
In High School Hysteria.

People dying instead of
Being who they are,
Children getting shot down
As they reach for the stars.

Faith forming the target
For society’s arrow,
You’re either in too deep
Or you’re way too shallow.

The faithful using the Prince of Peace
To excuse their hatred,
And yelling ‘terrorist!’
At the followers of Mohammed.

Women walking the streets at night
With fear in their hearts,
Men being told to ‘man up’
When their soul is in parts.

Children starving to death
In the land of plenty,
Bigots with medieval views
In the twentieth century.

So,
Hell yeah,
We’re angry.
Good news of the greatest kind; I got my English Lit/Lang remark back on Monday, and I have gone up by 22 marks! This is a bit worrying though, that my paper was marked so drastically wrong in the first place. So if I have one piece of advice to give to you guys, always demand a remark if you got way off what you were expecting. It might be expensive (my remark cost £55), but it's so worth it for getting the grades for university, and if you go up a grade they usually give you your money back (they did in my case). Also with regards to college, my presence on here might be sporadic at best, as I have shit tonne of work to get through. Sorry!

My UCAS application is nearly done. I've filled out all the sections and have written my personal statement, so all I've got to do now is get it all checked off and sent! My dream uni (Winchester) offers this deal called a 'compact', whereby if I go to one of their feeder colleges (I do) and fit the criteria, they guarantee to give me 'serious consideration', a lower offer (i.e. 200 points instead of 300 to get in), and a guaranteed place in halls if I do get in. The criteria I fit include being bereaved and getting special funding. I was explaining it to my best friend, and she had the audacity to tell me that it wasn't fair. She said that she wished she could get it, and it wasn't her fault that she didn't qualify. Like, seriously? You wish you had a dead mother? Are you for fucking real? I just don't think she thought before she spoke, and she honestly doesn't know how lucky she is to not qualify, y'know? And the whole point of the compact is to level the playing field, so kids who are disadvantaged get a help-up. Just, urgh. 

So, in November I'm going to see Frank Iero (formerly of My Chemical Romance) supporting Mallory Knox. I'm considering maybe selling my tickets because it's standing room only, and I'm not entirely comfortable with big crowds. I mean, I really want to go just to see Frank, but I don't know if I'll be able to cope with it. I guess I'll decide nearer the time.
  • Mood: Optimism
  • Reading: City of Ashes - Cassandra Clare
  • Watching: Hollyoaks

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CorporateRockWhore
Ellie
Artist | Hobbyist | Literature
United Kingdom
IF YOU GOT THE NIRVANA REFERENCE IN MY NAME THEN I ALREADY LOVE YOU.




I know that no matter how I start this, it will be as awkward as fuck, so I'll just start with my age. I am seventeen, and I live in England, in the arse-end of nowhere where the most excitement we get is a new piece of graffiti at the village bus stop. Yeah.

Music is my life; rock, emo, punk and metal mainly. My all time favorite band is My Chemical Romance, tying with Panic! At The Disco and Fall Out Boy. I'm also into: Kuroshitsuji, Hetalia, danisnotonfire, AmazingPhil and SLOTHS.

The bands I have seen live are; Funeral For a Friend, Lower Than Atlantis, Kids in Glass Houses, All Time Low, All-American Rejects, The Blackout, Blink-182, We Are The Ocean, Pure Love, Gerard Way, Fearless Vampire Killers, Tonight Alive, Chiodos, Green Day, Kaiser Chiefs, Fall Out Boy, Panic! At The Disco, and Black Veil Brides. So far, I think that Green Day were the best.

I'm in my second year at college, where I am taking Law, English Literature and Language, and History. I hope to go on to university to do a course in Creative Writing and Journalism.

So yeah; I'm some seventeen-year-old Brit kid in the middle of nowhere who is best friends with a hamster. Nice to meet you!





I DO NOT RESPOND TO CHAIN MAILS OR JOURNAL TAGS. SORRY, BUT I SUCK LIKE THAT


What House of Hogwarts did the Sorting Hat Place You In?
What House of Hogwarts did the Sorting Hat Place You In?
Hosted By theOtaku.com: Anime
Which Hetalia Character Are You?
Which Hetalia Character Are You?
Hosted By theOtaku.com: Anime
Interests

I'm thinking of recording a cover. What song should I do? 

22%
63 deviants said Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana
20%
57 deviants said Radioactive by Imagine Dragons
16%
46 deviants said Let It Go from 'Frozen'
16%
44 deviants said Pumped Up Kicks by Foster the People
11%
30 deviants said Someone Like You by Adele
7%
19 deviants said Ain't No Sunshine by Bill Withers
6%
16 deviants said Feeling Good by Michael Buble
2%
6 deviants said Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue by Crystal Gale

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:iconroguethescarredangel:
RoguetheScarredAngel Featured By Owner 4 hours ago  Student Writer
Would you by any chance tell me about creative writing? If you can't thats okay ^_^
Reply
:icon21sparkles:
21Sparkles Featured By Owner 1 day ago  New member Student Traditional Artist
Sorry, question, how do you add the side bar that says "LITERATURE" on a piece of work??
Reply
:iconangrymosher:
AngryMosher Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2014  New member Hobbyist General Artist
SO. IN LOVE. WITH YOU. You had me at green day... And metal... Mostly green day.
Reply
:iconcorporaterockwhore:
CorporateRockWhore Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:iconrockonplz:
Reply
:iconhawkieface:
Hawkieface Featured By Owner Oct 7, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Much love for the :+fav:!~
Reply
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